TL:DR : It's hard to describe but I think I'm scared of get to my goal weight.
In the last 2 months, I went (it's not really real numbers because of water weight and the amount of food in my body) from 180 to 170 to 180 to 170 and now to 180 again in the last 3 days with hardcore binging. Glorious but painful to eliminate so much progress in a matter of days : https://imgur.com/JFHWgUp
My goal weight is 160 and every time I was so close to get into the 160s I struggled to keep motivation to continue, saw the scale not moving for a week and cracking under pressure and eat back weeks of progress in one go. Rince and repeat.
I'm writing this after 3 days of binging and back today on the diet I followed very well since the beginning of the year going from 190 to 170 in a matter of 12 weeks (I'm 31M 6f1). I'm still fragile emotionally but it's like the binging calm me down and I'm back in the wagon now fighting back to the 170 mark.
I tried to understand what happened and it looks like I'm scared of actually looking my best. On my last 170 day few weeks ago, we had a small family and friend gathering and my mother and others that didn't saw me in the past few months commented on how good I was looking and was scared of losing too much weight with the rate I "melted". Big difference between 190 and 170. I got those comments from co-workers, close friends, etc. It's tough managing the weight lost since it's a hard process but it's even harder now because it's like I have the expectation of others on my shoulders now. I can't go back to my old self now. A co-worker told me how good I looked and this was hard to take knowing inside that I binged so much food the past few days and felt almost guilty to receive compliments; like I wasn't deserving them. When I was 170 I told myself I wouldn't weight 180 ever again and seeing myself over 180 (if I get back in the wagon for real for the incoming 5-6 days it will probably normalized around the 175 mark to be honest because I didn't ate 35000 calories over maintenance in 3 days lol) feels like failing to my own motivators.
I know I'll be very happy getting to 160 pounds. It's my ultimate goal for 2019. I know I'll be looking great. I know I'll be able to run faster that way. I know after that weight loss I may want to get a bit of muscle on myself and flip few % of fat into muscle to help with my running. I know I'll be in the best shape of my life at that point. I feel it should be the greatest motivation of all. But no I keep falling back I asked myself why I can't keep up?
What is going on? Am I alone fighting those feelings?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2UVahD4
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