Binge eating disorder is something that I’ve been struggling with for years. Whether I knew it or not. I didn’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to stop. I mean a footling subway sandwich with 2 cookies, a bowl of noodles, a plate of rice and a bag of chips all in one sitting was the worst it got. I don’t know why I feel such a massive almost gravitational pull to food. It seems so feeble, It’s food. You don’t think about it. But it’s all the runs through my brain. In the morning I wake up and decide today is the day I’ll overcome my addiction. And a few hours later , I’m down at least 2000 calories. It is all I can think about.
So as the clock strikes midnight and I’m breaking down, gripping my stomach fat I wonder why it matters so much to me. Why does it matter so much to me that I fit in this or that dress, why does it matter so much that I wear a bikini to the beach. I guess it matters because I wanna feel good about myself. When I lost 20 lbs, I was on top of the world. I sincerely believed that weight loss was easy and was wondering why so many people find it so hard. I finally understand. It’s the mind game. After eating 1200 calories for 3 months your body and mind craves food so you go into relapse. And this relapse isn’t fun. I feel so shit all the time and have literally thought about ending it because it’s so fucking hard to care so much. To care so much about what I’m eating, how I’m looking, what people are thinking of me, how much I weigh. I thought maybe if I ended it suddenly my brain would stop running and it’d just be peace. Suddenly the number on the scale wouldn’t matter, the size XL shirts wouldn’t matter.
Mentally, I don’t know if I’m better now. With everything going on right now with covid it’s not abnormal to feel depressed. Physically, I feel disgusting. Constantly full, A need to throw up, I can feel and see myself getting bigger. So I guess with this post, I just wanted to ask for support, whether anyone has any words of wisdom or advice you can give me. Maybe how to stop binging or how to have a better mental state. I just wanna know I’m not alone, because isolation has made that very hard.
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