Hi y’all. This will be kind of a ramble, I’ve been lurking for a while and have some things I want to get off my chest. I’m male, age 29, 5’9.5”. I’ve been committed to my weight loss journey since May, and gone from 197 lbs (didn’t weigh myself until a week in, but I was up to 200 earlier this year) to 170.8 lbs.
My highest weight ever was 240 lbs, after I gained a bunch in college. After graduation in 2012 I started working on this and got down to the low 170s, but then plateaued and started gaining again (I was taking a cheat day every week, and I lost motivation) and I’ve been hovering in the 180s and 190s in the years since.
This time around, I’ve been super committed, cheat days are rare and only on special occasions. There was a whole week that I took off in July while visiting family, but I managed to make up for it later. As of this week’s weigh-in, I am the lowest weight I’ve been in probably a decade—I’ve gone past the point I plateaued in 2013, and I’m no longer overweight according to BMI.
However, even though I’ve objectively lost weight and inches, I’m very unhappy with my body. I hate the way my fat is distributed, mostly around my stomach. I see pictures of other guys near my height and weight and they always look way better.
My goal weight is 150 and I have no idea what that will look like on me. Some friends have told me that would be too low for me, but I’m not sure I agree. I’m probably getting close to “skinny fat” territory, although I HATE that term. Almost all of my exercise has been walking/hiking (I walk for an hour every weekday during my lunch break) and occasional yoga classes. I feel very uncomfortable in a gym environment and recently canceled my membership after almost never attending—could never find a time when no one was there so I could get more comfortable. I have a lot of confusion and lack of motivation when it comes to strength training. I am going to try and change this now, though...I’m consulting with a personal trainer tomorrow who also does boot camps. I don’t know if he’ll be the right fit, but if not, I’ll find someone else. I really need this extra support from a real-life person or community of people. I’m nervous, but I can’t do this part of it on my own.
Emotionally, this process has been difficult. I try to keep my stress levels low. I don’t cook very often...I usually have Amy’s frozen entrees for lunch and a can of beans for dinner, among other odds and ends (I’m vegetarian). I’ve realized that I used food to fill a void, to deal with loneliness and probably some form of depression. I still get cravings all the time, when I just want to go out and binge eat to make myself feel better. But I’ve successfully resisted, even though I’m frequently lonely and miserable and just have to sit with that. Lately I’ve been turning to Halo Top again to sooth myself.
I am so jealous of the people on here who have a positive mindset, who seem to be doing this in a “perfect” way, who have significant others who support them. I’ve closed myself off over the years from so many connections I could have made if I were thin. I have so much untapped potential that I’ve wasted over the years due to never feeling good enough.
I turn 30 next July and I hope to be in excellent shape by then. I want my 30s to be the time when my life truly starts, on my terms.
Thanks for indulging me!
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