So here I am.
A year ago, I was dying from anorexia.
Three years ago, I promised myself I would be happy with my body by my 21st.
Come now, my 21st birthday. I’m nearly the heaviest I’ve been in 2 and a half years, since the beginning of my weight loss journey which transformed into an eating disorder. I now struggle with binge eating due to my recovery, and even though I’ve slowly been losing weight over the past couple of weeks, looking at my body makes me want to cry.
I didn’t think I’d ever be back in this place. I thought I’d have my anorexia to protect me forever, to keep me skinny and numb. Now I’m fat and sad. And I actually have to feel it all? That’s bullshit.
Most days, I’m so grateful for my recovery and the life it has allowed me to live, but today I’m just sad. I feel like everything I want is always just out of reach. I want to recover, but I develop binge eating disorder. I want to be 137lbs, but I’m 20lbs away. I want to feel beautiful, but my body sabotages itself.
I’m so sad that I’m not where I want to be.
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