Not sure what to say other than, oh frick. I’ve been gaining weight since my father shot himself 4 and a half years ago. (Not sure how my dad’s death is relevant though, but it is about the time I let myself go) before that I had gone on a 6 month weight loss journey through unsustainable eating habits that were low in calories and variations basically chicken salads, fish and sandwiches. Oh with the light green lettuce not the romaine one. And almost two hours at the gym. Eventually after several months it caught up to me and my work outs became really tiring. I would be getting woozy on the elliptical and so on. (Oh, that journey was set off by a manic episode btw. And eventually as with all manic episodes I crashed) and though I had lost 55 lbs in 6 months I realized i wasn’t doing things properly. And stopped. I started working. so did not have time for much else. February 22nd 2015 came around and my dad did his thing. And afterwards, I just let myself go. And gained 100 lbs in about 4 years. Now I’m really obese, walking hurts, working out leaves me feeling sick, I have no energy. I’m almost addicted to added sugars. I eat two really large meals a day with the occasional third. And this is what I mean that my bad decisions are catching up to me, MY BACK IS MURDERING ME! Like I don’t know if I busted it up recently and haven’t let it heal I don’t remember pulling anything. But i can’t bend over or do certain motions cuz my back is hurting me. Idk but I have a nagging suggestion that it may be weight related. And if it is I’m thoroughly screwed . Cuz though I could live with knowing that I was too fat to workout and that it made me physically ill. So I would choose to forgo working out to avoid pain. Now trying to work out will be a living hell. And I don’t even know where to start. I’m screwed. I have no friends to speak of, I have severe social phobia. And I’m fat. And most of my life I’ve fled from pain, emotional and physical. But now it’s caught up to me. And I don’t feel any motivation to workout, as a matter of fact I’m terrified.
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