I might be falling into a depression or something, but I feel overwhelmed with guilt about running my weight up so high, and I can't erase that guilt until I'm a normal weight, until I can be a normal person.
I'm afraid of falling into a disorder, because when the rest of my life hits a lull, weight loss feels like a form of pennance that I must do for my failure.
I'm going to weigh myself in a couple days and I hope to see some success. I expect to given the way clothes feel on me. But I also want to cry. I'm a year from my goal even in the best case. I know my life went to shit, I gained this weight because I lived on fast food under a ton of stress, that I should let go, that some guy telling me to "put down the video game controller" didn't really get that my mom died and her illness exhausted me, but I don't know how if I'm working on it like this. I'm taking every negative comment to heart. One of my friends jokes about my lack of fashion sense, but even that's ringing in my ears now.
I'm four months into losing weight, about three from when I first had the courage to weight myself, and I feel like I'm cracking from everything I'm not. Like the more I focus on my faults and try to correct them, the more they hurt me. I don't have creative outlets, so I take an art course, but I'm an absolute beginner; I applied for a higher paying job, but I feel inadequate; I tried my hand at online dating and got a few early matches, but I got bored when they steered the conversation to interview-style questions.
I should feel good that I'm trying. So many people never do. But I don't. I feel absolutely terrible.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3hx1DRn
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