I just feel like documenting how this is going. After this post, I will digress and understand that it’s a part of this journey, and still move forward.
I’ve been having a great month and a half. Something clicked for me many weeks ago. Maybe it was the praying that something would click and this would get easier. Maybe I just finally could see more clearly after years and years and (literally) years of eating disorders/over analyzing/overt awareness of self, followed by chronic illness (autoimmune disease that is now diagnosed and treated, but not before it completely altered my life) and then almost dying from covid. I don’t know what it is. I don’t actually care. I’m just thankful that it happened because I was miserable and just not doing what I needed to do to be better and take care of myself.
I’m probably somewhere in the 305 area right now. That’s bold of me to assume, but about three weeks ago I was 311. A five pound dip from restart at 317, and I’m still going strong. Stronger because I added fitness. My highest ever recorded was 335. I’m a woman, 5’4ish. I’m not carrying it well at all. I’m big. I can’t imagine I wouldn’t be. I am literally made of fat in over half my body. I won’t go further but I’ve always had serious issues with weight, and my weight. Terrible family dynamics. Toxic diet culture. Emotional abuse regarding my weight. I’m sure many of you get it.
I’ve been feeling good. I will say this. Weeks ago before I started this in a more serious, logical way, I had a vivid image of myself on a path in the woods. Lost. And I knew the path I was going down was wrong and just imagined and thought to myself that, simply, I can just turn back right now and not look back on that path. That what I need and want is back the other way, and maybe I’ve been punishing myself and forcing myself to keep walking down this one path that is leading me nowhere/somewhere I don’t want to be. Or maybe I was told to go down this path or told NOT to go down this path so I did it to spite myself while knowing another path was ultimately better. Idk. And mentally I just turned around. I don’t want to sound ridiculous, but this is literally what happened for me. I just pictured myself turning around so I would stop walking aimlessly down a path that maybe I was expecting something great on and decided I needed to go the other way. So I have. I acknowledged that maybe some days I wouldn’t make it too far. Some days I may actually stop on this path. But if I keep going, I will get to where I want to go eventually.
Since then I haven’t looked back. I’ve stuck to my calorie limit to lose two pounds per week. And I’ve started adding fitness.
Ultimately my goal is to be healthy. I want to be a healthy weight. I want to wear the clothing I want to wear. I want to look at least mostly like what I wish to look like. I know I will never have a perfectly smooth model body. Which has always been the upset of my existence. If I can’t look exactly the way I want to, then who cares?? Well, apparently I do still care very much. I want to get as close to that body as possible. I know there will be loose skin. There are already a zillion stretch marks. But I can at least get as there as I can possibly go. By being healthy and getting healthy.
Aside from weight loss (my goal right now is 145lbs), I want to be able to jog by next year. I also want to be a yogi. So, I’ve wanted to get a picture of myself doing a yoga pose that is very difficult for me now, with the intention to get another picture a year or so from now being able to do that pose easily.
So on my walk I had my mom take a picture of me in that pose. My mind body connection is just not great. When I saw the pictures, I just felt really disappointed. I don’t look the way I want to—or even the way I feel. I feel really ugly. And then I started the very mean chatter.
I’m just ugly. Shrug. I’m fat. I look terrible. I can’t believe I look like that. Of course no one is attracted to me. I wouldn’t be attracted to me. Anger with my mother set in. Etc. and then some really good looking guy walking a very cute dog walked by. Which led to the, “I’d never be with a guy like that, even if I did lose all of my weight” inner speech. It doesn’t end. And maybe I need to get comfortable with the fact that it’ll always be there, ready to be mean and take me down a few pegs.
But then I was mentally forcing myself to reframe. I thought. Hey. That guy could have been 300lbs once and I would never know. I told myself I needed to be stronger than this. That this is the before. The beginning. I need to keep going. I will only get what I want if I keep going. I can do this. I’ve gotten myself out of chronic illness. Homelessness. I can do this. This just weight. It is just fat. I’m sorry that people have hurt me so badly that I felt I needed to protect myself this way. I’m sorry that people made me feel so terrible about myself that I used food to soothe myself. I’m sorry this is a learnt behavior from childhood and that, at the core, I didn’t choose to be this overweight. But I am the only one who can get me out of this now. I am going to save you. I’m going to get you out of this.
I’m sure there will be more bad days. Even worse than this one. I hope I’ll keep that voice in me just as strong. Because it knows the truth.
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